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Fallen · Angels · & · Forgotten · Demons
The Horrible Pain (Within My Heart)
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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
"Don't be afraid that your life will end,
Be afraid that it will never begin."
~anonymous~
Current Mood: |
 blah | |
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I feel so tired today! I even slept in 'til 12pm & I'm still tired! Maybe it's the meds, or maybe I've been over-doing things. I don't know, I just wish I'd stop yawning!! My hands are so sore today. I've been doing much crochet & embroidery, so I've stopped doing everything to let them rest. It's driving me crazy as everything I do that I enjoy involves my hands. I'm SO bored..........maybe that's why I'm tired, because I'm bored?? Also found out last Tuesday that I'll taking part in other exhibition! ^__^
We don't have much time (mid October) but I've already got some pretty good ideas. This exhibition will be about "social inclusion/exclusion" (the reason put to us to why S.P.A.N. could be closing). & we'll be doing a permanent piece within the gallery. Wouldn't that be cool, to go to the gallery in 10 years time there will still be a piece that I helped with!!
Current Mood: |
 exhausted | |
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I've hardly been writing anything recently, not even in my written diary!
My life is so boring.............
Oh I did a tarot reading the other day for a friend! I've only read the cards once before (it also happened to be for the same person) & apparently I've been spot on both times!
She says I should read the cards for a living......what would I charge tho? I'd have to practice alot more tho, do alot more readings before I felt comfortable in charging.
Just need some folk willing to be a guinea pig for me so I can practice, It would be nice to read for a living.
Signed up for an on-line course which will start on the 12th.
Just will have to see how things go............
Current Mood: |
 contemplative |
Current Music: |
silence is golden......... | |
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Phew! What a fortnight!!
Mum & Caitlyn are back safe at home. It was great seeing them again. It would of been nice to have some one on one time with Mum, but I was still glad to see Caitlyn! It was really hot while they were here. Poor Caitlyn, she was really struggling.....but I did warn them both that it was bloody hot!
A day after Mum & Caitlyn went home my computer fucked up! It got full of spyware!! Argh!
Ever pop-up I got was advertising anti-spyware packages! It's such a scam! You know they're making mega bucks!
I didn't want to MSN (by the way Helene. My MSN address is the same as my e-mail address) or e-mail anyone just in case I sent on a virus. It's been driving me crazier than I already am!!
Anyway FINALLY sorted it all out tonight!
I've really impressed myself by fixing it.......^__^
Current Mood: |
 tired | |
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It's so hot today & it's not even midday yet!! Plus it's supposed to get even hotter tomorrow!! I feel sorry for Mum & Caitlyn stuck in a coach all day! They must be melting! They're arriving tonight so that gives me enough time to finish cleaning, I've already done my bedroom, most of the kitchen & bathroom! But I SO don't want to get my hoover out....it's too hot! Sob! Oh well it has to be done! Took Ginge to the vets this morning too. The vet totally fell in love with him saying how much he looked like Garfield!Got his annual vaccination but I was told that he should loose a bit of weight as he's put on .40kg in the last year! The fatty!!! I've been advised to start feeding him a specialized adult cat food....God knows how much that's gonna cost me each month! But I'll do what ever it takes to make sure he stays healthy! I love him too much!! <3 Anyway won't be around that much while Mum & Caitlyn are here (til Sunday)! X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
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 hot | |
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A well-known piece of poetry written originally by Doreen Valiente. |
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Charge of the Goddess |
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Listen to the words of the Great Mother, who was of old also called amongst men Artemis, Astarte, Diana, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Dana, Arianrhod, Isis, Bride and by many other names.
At my altars, the youth of most distant ages gave love, and made due sacrifice. Whenever you have need of anything, once in a month, and better it be when the Moon is full, then shall you gather in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me, who am Queen of all Witches.
There shall you assemble ye who are fain to learn all sorcery, yet have not won its deepest secrets; to these will I teach things that are yet unknown. And you shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be really free you shall be naked in your rites. And you shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love all in my praise; for mine is the ecstasy of the spirit, and mine also is joy on Earth, for my law is love unto all beings.
Keep pure your highest ideal, strive ever towards it; let naught stop you or turn you aside, for mine is the secret door which opens upon the door of youth. And mine is the cup of the wine of life and the Cauldron of Cerridwen, which is the Holy Grail of Immortality.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man, upon Earth I give knowledge of the Spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before; nor do I demand sacrifice, for behold I am the Mother of all living, and my love is poured out upon the Earth. Hear ye the words of the Star Goddess.
She in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe. I who am beauty of the green Earth and the white Moon amongst the stars. And the mystery of the waters, and the desire of the heart of man, call unto thy soul. Arise and come unto me, for I am the souls of Nature who gives life to the universe.
From me all things procees, and unto me all things must return. And before my face, beloved of Gods and men, thine inmost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of the infinte.
Let my worship be with the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honour and humility, mirth and reverence within you.
And you who thinks to seek for me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail you not, unless you know the mystery, that if that which you seek you find not within thee, you will never find it without thee. Behold I have been with you from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.
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Current Mood: |
 confused | |
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Just heard my neighbour yelling that he fucking hated me out his window while I was going for some milk! Such a lovely way to start the day!!! Why his he still pissed off with me? We had our "little argument" over a year & a half a go! I wish my life was so boring that I could keep going over something so bloody old! It's pathetic! I don't even have a problem with the guy anymore. He hasn't played his stereo at 3am for ages so I couldn't give a toss about him!!!!......he way too much like my father! Got your letter Helene. Thank you! It's REALLY cheered me up! I've really needed someone to remind me of my positive traits recently & you've done a cracking job! You're a true friend! ^__^
Current Mood: |
 ah fuck it! | |
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Mum & Caitlyn are coming down to visit me on Tuesday til Sunday!! WOO HOO!! ^_____^
Current Mood: |
 yey!!! | |
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Found a web site that has some dream interpretations. This is what it said about my nightmare
Civilized instincts (true)
Keeping your temper in life (true)
Need for love/acceptance (true)
Lacking qualities that loved one represents (freedom, content, laid-back, happy, stress-free, loved, out-going, popular, trusts easily, etc) (true)
Duality
Limits, boundaries
Will experience much hardships & cruelty in the working world
Things will turn out better than expected
Worries for for nothing
Positive turns of events
Forewarns of disappointment
Self image has suffered & taken a blow (true)
There will be problems with a loved one or business partner
Independent spirit (true)
Feminine sexuality (true?)
Creativity (true?)
Power
Hidden aspects of your activities
Feeling hollow/empty inside (true)
Feelings of insignificance in waking life (true)
I feel alot of it is contradictive. "Forewarns of disappointment" & "Things will turn out better than expected" ???
But it's surprising how much of it is actually true!!
Current Mood: |
 thoughtful | |
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I had such a horrid dream last night! I can't seem to get the image out of my head :( I was in a very tall tower that had an open shaft about 20ft wide running through the center of it. It had no lift or stairs but I had managed to figure a way down the tower by letting myself drop through holes in the floor to the room below.
I was on the 20th or so floor when I saw Ginge at the other side of the room. He came running towards me, but of course there was that shaft.
Across the shaft there were a series of what can only be described as washing lines, & Ginge walked onto one of these lines. I told him not to. To go back onto the floor & that I would try I work myself over to him.
But of course Ginge never listens to me so he began trying t walk across one of these washing lines! He started to loose his balance & I reached out to try & catch him, but he was too far away & he fell down the shaft.
I watched him fall the 20 floors or so, hearing him cry out! I saw him hit the ground! :(
I woke up with such a start & hurried round my flat looking for him! Of course he was fine. Sound asleep on the living room window sill! I can't get the image of him hitting the ground out my head!
I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him!
Current Mood: |
 upset | |
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Hey Pam! I know you read my LJ now & again. Get back in touch! I'm worried about you sweetie! I know you were in a really bad place last time we spoke & I hope things have improved! Let me know even if it's a short e-mail saying "I'm ok" or add a comment. Whatever you feel comfortable doing! Thinking about you lil sis!
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 worried | |
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1. Your name Catriona/Trini/Raven 2. Birthday 23rd September 3. Place of residence Nottingham, UK 4. What makes you happy? Hugs!! 5. What are you listening to now/what have you listened to last? AFI-Decemberunderground 6. Do you really read my LJ? of course 7. If you do, what is particularly good or bad about it? I really like the honesty! 8. An interesting fact about you is...????I'll get to you about that! 9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment? Yep with Peely! 10. Favorite place to be? In bed! I'm such a bed head! 11. Favorite lyric? No-one is going to ruin me. If I have to I'll ruin myself & it will be my ruin.-"Terror" by My Ruin 12. Best time of the year? Autumn! Love the colours & not too hot! 13. Do you remember when we met? I remember your first letter. I still have it somewhere 14. Have I been a good friend to you? Definitely!! 15. Tell me something you have never told me before. I don't think there's anything I haven't told you.... 16. life philosophy? Do what you will but in it harm none! PLUS:
1. One thing you like about me. your honesty & inner child!
2. Two things you like about yourself. truthful & loyal
Current Mood: |
 okay |
Current Music: |
AFI | |
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Buttprints in the Sand One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of the Goddess they were, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, and I asked Her, "What have we here? These prints are large and round and neat, But much too big to be from feet." "My child," She said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You would not learn, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt. "Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." Author unknown
Current Mood: |
bouncy | |
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I LOVE this Calvin avator icon! It's SO funny ^__^ Well I think so anyway! Want to see if I can find Bombshell/Blonde Bombshell with Jean Harlow from 1933 on DVD. It maybe an oldie, but old black & whites rock! Women were women & men were men. There also didn't relay on CGI or swearing to shock/scare/amuse. If you couldn't act you weren't cast. Not like today when if you have a pretty face & hot body you're the lead. 
Found some really sweet things on the web that I'm going to try & write crochet patterns for. They're SO cute!! I little cupcake & a bunny! Now where's my crochet hook???
Current Mood: |
 creative | |
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Fuck it! I can't just stop creating art. It's part of me & if no-one wants to support me, well screw 'em! If I become successful I'll be able able to say I did it off my own back! Well Ginge tries to help. As soon as I get my brushes out he sits besides me & watches or plays with one of my pens, pencils or brushes! I did it off my own back & Ginges!!
Current Mood: |
 fuck 'em | |
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Feeling pretty depressed today. It's the last day of the exhibition that I'm appearing in. Guess how many people I know outside of S.P.A.N. went to see it. A big fat zero! For years I've listened to people say that I should exhibit my art, try to sell some of it. That I could make a living from it. Well I took the first step. A BIG step for me, & no-body could give a shit! They couldn't take 10 minutes out of their life to support me. What's the point? It's bullshit to think that I could really have a career in art. If my own family & friends aren't interested then why should a stranger be interested? Looks like I'm going to end up the mad, old, cat lady.
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sad | |
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ERGH! My head's pounding today. I think it's the sun. I really should of put my sunnies on before I went out.... Oh God! Pete Docherty is on TV. I SO don't see the fuss he causes. What's the big deal about a junkie?? It's not like he's a good performer. I saw him live on Later With Jools Holland & he was shit!!! Total waste of time, money & energy. There's some AMAZING performers out there that don't get nearly enough focus & attention they deserve. Instead it's on that twat!! Each to their own I suppose!
Current Mood: |
 headache |
Current Music: |
AFI- Decemberunderground | |
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I've been able to make up a crochet pattern for a patch of Hello Kitty!! ^__^ I've somewhat impressed myself! Think I'll crochet a bag for it........... I've been looking for Kitty patterns but they're always expensive! I found a REALLY groovy pattern book on E-bay but there are 10 people bidding for it & it's already at $30 & there's still another 4 days of bidding left! Gonna have to keep an eye out for some patterns. Never know might just find one, one morning at 4am!!!
Current Mood: |
hot |
Current Music: |
Motely Crue | |
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Argh!! My neck is killing me! My head hurts! I look like shit! I'm SO tired! Got NO money 'til Tuesday! LAST NIGHT ROCKED!!!!!! It was the My Ruin "Summer Of Hell " tour last night & as usual Miss B & her boys KICKED ASS!!!!!
Bought one of her BEAUTIFUL tops from her "Blasphemous Girl Designs". It cost me £45, but it is SO nice. I went into the ladies & changed into it. I kept getting comments about how cooll it is for the rest of the night!!
It's grey with slashed sleeves & nape, with an image of Jesus glued onto the shirt & surrounded with safety pins. She has also added a line from one of her songs, "Feels so good being the one they hate" (I love that lyric) which she's put silver & red glitter over. There's also a red beaded rosary attached which can be taken off & worn as a bracelet. It is SO nice!! Oh & she's also printed a sliver cross onto the back! Well worth the money I think, especially since it's a one off & I know that Tarrie has made it personally! During the concert I even got to sing a line "Stick it to me.." down the mic too!!
I'VE SUNG WITH TARRIE B!!! YEY!!
Ok so did about another 10 people but I don't care, just knowing she saw me was a buzz! She's such an inspiration to me. My heroine! "It's not what's been said, it's what my heart believes......" Afterward I went to a couple of pubs with a friend of mine & her boyfriend & got talking with 2 guys. They were SO nice. Gay as hell! I LOVED THEM!! My mate & her fella went back to Rock City ( I couldn't afford to go back) so I hung with Leo & Mike. I was only planning on staying an other hour or so with them but the next thing I know I'm going round the city center with them looking for another pub that was open at 1:30am!
In the end the 3 of us went back to Mikes flat & chilled listening to music! Normally I would NEVER go back to someones flat without knowing them for months! Let alone at night, but we just seemed to click!
Mike is manic depressive & had a bit of a downer so I spent a bit of time comforting him, telling him he's not alone & promising it would pass (which it did after an hour or so). Leo was so touched by me wrapping my arms round Mike, comforting him, he told me we would be friends for life!!! :) (we'll see)
Anyway I finally got to my bed at 8:30am!!! We swapped mobile numbers. I told Mike to caIl me ANY time if he needed to chat... It would be cool to stay in contact, they were such great guys. So affectionate towards each other. Leo eventually feel asleep on the sofa at about 6am & Mike took his boots off & put a blanket over him. Bless....it's so refreshing to see people be nice to each other for a change............... My mate just txt me!! She got to meet Tarrie & hug her when she went back into Rock City!!! AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Jealousy overload!!!!!
At least one of us got to meet her (just wish it was me....maybe next time) All in all a really groovy night! ^___^
Current Mood: |
but smiling |
Current Music: |
My Ruin | |
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I've gotten pretty stressed. S.P.A.N. is going through a review & might be closing!!! God knows what I'd do with myself if it closed! It's really my only support. Depression wise that is! Urgh! I hope it stays open. There was a student meeting last Wednesday & folk got pretty heated. The whole atmosphere there has changed. Every-ones worried, including the staff. God damn government cut backs!! Why don't they just get rid of half the managers or at least give them a pay cut, it's not like they're doing anything anyway.......they're calling it "Social Inclusion" whatever that's supposed to mean. They're saying that because S.P.A.N. deals with purely mental health patients & no-one else, we're excluded from he rest of society. What a load of bullshit!! The whole thing about S.P.A.N. is that it gets people back into work or further education.....WE ARE NOT EXCLUDED FROM SOCIETY!!! I suppose all we can do is sit & wait really......... There's a meeting with 2 of the managers (do we REALLY need 2??) next Wednesday. People are saying they've already made up their minds, but that isn't going to stop me from telling them about themselves. Make them feel guilty at least. Hopefully make them think about WHY they are considering closing the center. They're probably thinking that we're just psyc patients & that we'll just let them do what they want & if we get a bit upset we'll just get our meds increased!! We are pschiactrically ill NOT disabled!!!!! People think the anti-christ will come in the form of man. They're wrong. He's already here. He comes in the form of the pound note!!
Current Mood: |
 pissed off | |
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